Archive for March 15th, 2009

down into your memory

For as long as I can remember, I was never able to maintain a written journal…I remember starting one in middle school, but I ended up locking myself in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet, and ripping out all of my journal¬† entries…and in turn shredding those to smithereens before they finally landed in the trash can.

In the subsequent years that followed, I followed this very same tendency. Thinking I could have another new start, I would start writing again, but never could I finish. Again, those pages would be torn out, almost as if their destiny was predetermined.

Currently, in my closet lie 4 journals. One of the journals was the original from middle school, another is a spiritual journal in which I only have 2 entries. I have this desperate urge to tear those pages out, and start all over once again. And I know I’ll regret it because some of the things I’ve written have been very interesting…thoughts and feelings that would’ve been erased from my memory had it not been documented in writing. I think I’m just addicted to the idea of clean slates. And I think I’m repulsed by the idea that there is no continuity in those pages – as in, I started writing, but only for a brief period of time, and then I discontinued. Oh, how I loathe my neglect!

For Christmas, Nick bought me this gorgeous leather journal with a vintage feel, which¬† I had been eyeing for weeks prior to the holiday…of course he noticed me lingering at it every time we stopped by Borders, and I would never actually buy it because it cost a fortune for a mere journal. Of course I was thrilled ripping off the wrapping paper and finding this gem in my hands! And in order to prevent me from tearing out the pages of this epitome of sentiment and beauty, I decided to use it just to write down quotes, Bible verses, poems, phrases…



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